On Saturday, January 10th, Riley and Grace were baptized.

Joe baptized both of them. 

 David, Riley and Joe just before being baptized.

Brandon, Grace and Anna.

Missionaries who taught Grace and Riley.

Brandon and his family served dinner afterwards. 

Callie...you crack me up!

Confession:  another reason we randomly packed up and went to Disneyland is because the following week I started chemotherapy...again. Yes, I spoke too soon, my cancer has returned [sigh]. While I was feeling fairly good, Joe begged me to meet him in California and go to Disneyland. After returning from our trip, I'm so glad we went.

In December my CA125 was the lowest its ever been. I had a CT scan in January that revealed some concern. My doctor ordered another CA125 stating if it has risen since December he would recommend doing more chemotherapy. Just my luck, the  CA125 was on the rise. The CT scan revealed tumors on my spleen, pancreas, and my lower right lobe (diaphragm). I have already had a tumor removed from my right diaphragm, the tumors on my spleen and pancreas are new.

Joe and I are devastated to hear the cancer has returned. Our world has once again been turned upside down. You'd think we would be used to receiving news like this, but each recurrence takes just a little more from us. Fact is, recurrence is NOT good.  The cancer I have is a rare, aggressive, incurable and has a low survival rate. Besides fighting physically, I have to come to terms I'm not going to live to 92, I may not even live another year. And I think that sucks! The thought of leaving behind my husband, kids and grandkids and a life I love is more than I can bare. I can't imagine existence without my family.

I've study a lot about death. Having lost most of my family, a baby boy, and three close friends has certainly sparked an interest in the subject. Joseph Smith taught "it is a subject we ought to study more than any other.

"All men know that they must die. And it is important that we should understand the reasons and causes of our exposure to the vicissitudes of life and of death, and the designs and purposes of God in our coming into the world, our sufferings here, and our departure hence. What is the object of our coming into existence, then dying and falling away, to be here no more? It is but reasonable to suppose that God would reveal something in reference to the matter, and it is a subject we ought to study more than any other. We ought to study it day and night, for the world is ignorant in reference to their true condition and relation. If we have any claim on our Heavenly Father for anything, it is for knowledge on this important subject".    Joseph Smith

Throughout my life I've wondered how, why and when I would pass onto the other side. Haven't we all at one time or another? Today, the scary thing for me is that if this wretched disease continues on the course it has, I may know the how, the why and maybe even the when.

I had my first infusion two Fridays ago. I must say though, I tolerated the first treatment quite well. I was surprised how well I did. This weeks infusion was a different story. Side affects started out like they normally do, flu like symptoms, nausea, stomach cramps, weakness, fatigue, insomnia, feeling like I'm burning up inside of my body to the out side causing rosy checks, very rosy checks, sensitive to noise, nose bleeds, endless runny nose, constipation, restlessness in my entire body, excruciating headache, hot flashes, night sweats then freezing cold and something I've never experienced before, loss of appetite. And the most frustrating...chemo brain. Yes, chemo brain is real, very real. I'm unable to concentrate, focus and sometimes even remember things...ok, so not remembering things is normal for me. I thought the nausea and stomach cramps would never go away. I can hardly wait for this weeks infusion, I will have three drugs administered instead of just two. The only word I can think of to describe this drug is wicked, totally wicked.

My treatments will be once a week for three weeks, then one week off to let my body rest. At this point we're not sure how many cycles I will need, it all depends on how the cancer responds to the treatments.

Am I scared? Yes. I wake up at night in terror and I cry constantly. I am not brave or strong. I'm not a hero nor do I want the responsibility of being brave, strong or a hero. I have found myself in this situation with no other choice but to take one step at a time, one day at a time. It is my opinion that NO one should ever have to go through this. NO ONE!

B U T...I am blessed with a loving, devoted husband who makes sure everyday is the best it can be. My kids and grandkids are here with me brightening my day with just their mere presence. The best medicine I can receive comes from my family and friends - their visits, encouraging words and moments of laughter is all I need.

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While having lunch with my cousin, she mentioned she was leaving later that day for Disneyland with her daughter and her daughters three friends. With Joe already in LA for business, my cousin tried talking me into catching a flight the next morning to meet them in Disneyland. That's absurd! I can't get ready in just hours. Before I knew it Joe had a flight booked and we were packing. My daughter and two granddaughters went with me.

We spent three days in Disneyland and half a day at the beach. It was beautiful weather, but the water was cold.

 

 

 

 

 Disneyland really is a happy place on earth!

Hello everyone!

Time has passed so quickly. It's been almost a year since my last post. I've missed writing, but more important I've missed keeping up with everyone. I apologize to those of you I haven't written too. I hope to catch up soon.

My last chemo treatment was the first of October. Recovering from all the effects of chemo has been discouraging. My body is worn and tired. My emotions are worn and tired. The following statement was written by a former cancer patients. I totally relate...

"I think the hardest part of cancer treatment is at the end--when everyone assumes you're "cured" and you no longer need their nelp. You're in your weakest, most devastated state, plus you no longer have the mission you had when you began this journey: to kill the cancer. The cancer is toast, but so are you, and now, like a soldier at the end of war, you need help putting yourself back together, only everyone has gone home since they assume the war has been won."

This is so true. I am at my weakest, most devastated state. But everyday I gain a little more strength. The sad news is there is no cure for the type of cancer I have. My only hope is that the treatments I receive will work allowing me a little more time.  Soooo...about the time I start feeling good, with my luck the cancer will return and I'll start all over again. (Sigh)

But for now, let me introduce a special blessing our family has received. This is Charlotte Maci'Jo Boudreau.

June 2013

Doesn't she look like her mommy?

July 2013

Moments with Mommy just before her blessing.

Blessing day...besides our family, Rebecca invited those who have been  most influential in her life. I may be a little bias, but it was the most beautiful blessing I have ever attended. Joe gave the blessing, by the time he was done there wasn't a dry eye in the room. The Spirit there was amazing. Our hearts are full of gratitude for the blessing she is to our family. She has blessed our lives in ways we never would have imagined. It was a happy, happy, happy day!

 I had chemotherapy a couple days before her blessing day, I was grateful I felt well enough to enjoy the day. I am so grateful for those who came and supported Rebecca and our family. They all have extended their love to her and have been great examples in her life. She loves them all.

 

Joe can't get enough of sweet Charlotte.

 

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And she can't get enough of him. There is definitely a special bond between these two.

I felt well enough to travel with Joe on one of his business trips to New York and Vermont. We visited our church's history sites in Albany and Palmyra New York.

 Top left photo is Joseph Smith Jr.'s bedroom where angel Moroni appeared to him on several occasions giving him instructions and preparing him to receive the golden plates to be transferred into the Book of Mornon.  Top right: Joe walking through the Sacred Grove. Bottom right: Second Smith Family Home. Bottom middle: First Smith Family home. Bottom Left: Palmyra Temple.

Top left: The city of Albany, New York today. Top right: Martin Harris Home. Bottom left: monument on top of Hill Cumorah. Bottom middle: Printing office where the first Book of Mormon was published. Bottom right: Apple orchard near Smith Family Home.

Bottom right: View from Hill Cumorah

 I loved Vermont and New York! It was so green and beautiful. Joe goes there quite often, I hope I can go with him again.

I love learning about our church history. Ancestors on both sides of my family were early Saints. I was taught at an early age some of the more popular events that took place in our church's history. I love learning about our Savior and his gospel.

 

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write. I hope to do better and I truly hope to make contact with everyone and catch up. If I don't, please write to me! I always love to hear from you!!

I’ve had chemo once a week the past three weeks. I get this week off to let my body rest. I cannot express how excited I am to have a week off. Joe and I have made a least one trip a week to the hospital since February 13, 2012. A little over a year. I’m excited to have a week off side effects from the chemo. I HATE being sick.  Here are some thoughts and feelings I have concerning chemotherapy.

Chemo.

I am grateful for chemo. I hate chemo. It works miracles. It’s poison. I often wonder if chemo is going to kill me. I wonder if it will it make my quality of life so bad I won’t want to be here anymore? What is worse: the disease or the treatment?

The dreaded side effects I am experiencing:

Nausea. Vomiting. Pain. Weakened heart. Hair loss. Everywhere. Unrelenting runny nose. Fatigue. Depression. Hot flashes. Insomnia. Night sweats. Migraines. Loss of appetite. Phantom pain. Infection. Fluid accumulation. Bone pain. Neuropathy. Numbness. Joint pain. Taste change. Weight gain. I’ve had them all. Some are worse than others. Some are permanent. Some are temporary.

This week the nausa has been so bad it’s driving me crazy. Literally crazy. I like to eat. I like to taste food. Who doesn’t? My head stings, which indicates my hair is about to fall out. It started to fall out this morning.  Again.  People will say to me: It’s only hair. It’ll grow back. Your wigs are cute. Just think, you can be whatever color hair you want to be. Blonde. Burnette. Red. Whatever.  Maybe it’ll be better after it grows back. It might be curly. It might be straight. It might come in gray. Red. Black. White.  You can wear it short or long. You’re gonna look great. You are so brave and strong. No matter what anyone says, It sucks! Bigtime! I thought losing my hair the second time would be eaiser than the first. It’s harder than I thought. If it wasn’t hard, women who have lost their hair (for whatever reason) wouldn’t cover their heads. They wouldn’t care, they would walk around bald. But hair matters. It matters to us, to our husbands, to our kids, to our friends.  Losing your hair from chemo is a big deal. If you don’t agree. Shave your head. Shave it until there’s nothing left. Then shave your eyebrows. Then your eyelashes. Don’t forget your nose hairs. You’ll realize how much you needed those when your nose runs constantly. It’s so embarrassing. It’s so annoying.  It’s hard. Feelings from losing my hair are real. It matters to me. It sucks!

I hope next week the nausea goes away, taste comes back. I hope I will be able to feel the bottom of my feet and hands. I hope I will have enough energy to get through this week of work and enjoy part of next weeks spring break before I have to go back in for another treatment. Just a few days, that's all I'm asking. That's all I'm hoping for. Just a few days of normalcy.

Dear friends and family,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve had every intention to do so, but procrastination gets the best of me.

Some of you have heard the news by now: my cancer has returned.  Last Thursday, I had my first round of chemotherapy. I will receive chemo once a week for three weeks, then have one week off for my body to rest. After three rounds of this regiment, I’ll have a CT scan to see if the treatment is effective.  The goal is to get back into remission. 

I won’t lie how disappointed we are, to say the least. And I won’t minimize the fear we are experiencing. I knew the chance of recurrence was high, but I just didn’t expect it this soon. I was looking forward to summer and doing the things I missed last year; working in my garden, catching up on some projects, summer trips and above all, to spend time with my grandkids. Hopefully, I can still do some of these activities.

Although this is a setback, I have been blessed abundantly.  I have my kids and grandkids that bring me more joy than can be imagined. My husband rarely leaves my side. No matter what the situation is, he makes me laugh, encourages me and gives me reason to keep going. We’ve been blessed with a comfortable home surrounded by the best neighbors anyone could ask for.  Our table is always set with plenty.  I am so very thankful to have access to Priesthood blessings. The comforter has given me peace of mind and heart. I know Heavenly Father is aware of my needs, my joys and sorrows, aches and pains and my desire to live a little longer.

I am going to continue to work as long as I can. I was sick for about four days after my chemotherapy last week. This isn’t exactly how I want to spend my weekends, but I don’t have a choice.

All my kids are close by and I’m already seeing the help and love they can give. Once again, I will give this fight everything I have to give. We appreciate your concern, thoughts and prayers.

I will try to write as often as my health will permit.
 

Riley's birthday

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Riley

How time flies! This month we celebrated Riley's 6th birthday. It's hard to believe he's six years old and has started kindergarten! I remember the day he was born as if it were yesterday. It was a sunny day, Monday, October 9, 2006. Joe and I took off work to spend the day together. Everyone needs to do that once in a while. We left early that morning, stopping for breakfast before heading up to Park City.

I especially remember the drive up to Park City. The canyon colors were beautiful. Joe and I had a really good time talking and laughing the entire way up. We had just arrived at the outlets in Park City when my son called to tell us he was taking his wife to the hospital, she was in labor.

I wanted to go to the Carter's outlet to get some clothes for our new grandbaby. To save time, Joe and I each picked out some ourtfits, we combined the ones we both liked, paid for them and headed back home.

Riley was born a few hours after we arrived at the hospital. What a blessed day!

I loved being a mom so I always knew I would love being a grandma. Already having two grandchildren I knew I would love this new little one with the same kind of special love grandma's have for their grandchildren.

What surprised me and something I was not prepared for, was how much my grandchildren were going to love ME! Mom and dad do all the non fun stuff, but my job is to simply bring joy into their little life. In return, they believe that grandma is the most amazing person in the world!

They think Grandpa is pretty amazing too! Early yesterday morning Joe was sitting in our bedroom as he usually does while I sleep. I heard our granddaughter Grace come in; she walked over to Joe and said, "Hi, Grandpa", and gave him a hug. He replied, "Good morning Grace, would you like some cereal?" She said, "Yes please." What's so neat about that you might wonder? Well, there is nothing more touching than hearing a sweet voice call you grandma or grandpa and receive a hug that generates nothing but warmth, affection and a feeling of acceptance. It reaches inside and touches your soul! Our grandkids adore their grandpa and he adores them! :)

I have wonderful memories of my grandchildren's birth and more as they grow older. They fill our life with joy and love. They are truly God's gift. Joe and I couldn't have asked for a greater blessing than the one we received that fall day - October 9, 2006.