I’ve had chemo once a week the past three weeks. I get this week off to let my body rest. I cannot express how excited I am to have a week off. Joe and I have made a least one trip a week to the hospital since February 13, 2012. A little over a year. I’m excited to have a week off side effects from the chemo. I HATE being sick.  Here are some thoughts and feelings I have concerning chemotherapy.

Chemo.

I am grateful for chemo. I hate chemo. It works miracles. It’s poison. I often wonder if chemo is going to kill me. I wonder if it will it make my quality of life so bad I won’t want to be here anymore? What is worse: the disease or the treatment?

The dreaded side effects I am experiencing:

Nausea. Vomiting. Pain. Weakened heart. Hair loss. Everywhere. Unrelenting runny nose. Fatigue. Depression. Hot flashes. Insomnia. Night sweats. Migraines. Loss of appetite. Phantom pain. Infection. Fluid accumulation. Bone pain. Neuropathy. Numbness. Joint pain. Taste change. Weight gain. I’ve had them all. Some are worse than others. Some are permanent. Some are temporary.

This week the nausa has been so bad it’s driving me crazy. Literally crazy. I like to eat. I like to taste food. Who doesn’t? My head stings, which indicates my hair is about to fall out. It started to fall out this morning.  Again.  People will say to me: It’s only hair. It’ll grow back. Your wigs are cute. Just think, you can be whatever color hair you want to be. Blonde. Burnette. Red. Whatever.  Maybe it’ll be better after it grows back. It might be curly. It might be straight. It might come in gray. Red. Black. White.  You can wear it short or long. You’re gonna look great. You are so brave and strong. No matter what anyone says, It sucks! Bigtime! I thought losing my hair the second time would be eaiser than the first. It’s harder than I thought. If it wasn’t hard, women who have lost their hair (for whatever reason) wouldn’t cover their heads. They wouldn’t care, they would walk around bald. But hair matters. It matters to us, to our husbands, to our kids, to our friends.  Losing your hair from chemo is a big deal. If you don’t agree. Shave your head. Shave it until there’s nothing left. Then shave your eyebrows. Then your eyelashes. Don’t forget your nose hairs. You’ll realize how much you needed those when your nose runs constantly. It’s so embarrassing. It’s so annoying.  It’s hard. Feelings from losing my hair are real. It matters to me. It sucks!

I hope next week the nausea goes away, taste comes back. I hope I will be able to feel the bottom of my feet and hands. I hope I will have enough energy to get through this week of work and enjoy part of next weeks spring break before I have to go back in for another treatment. Just a few days, that's all I'm asking. That's all I'm hoping for. Just a few days of normalcy.

Dear friends and family,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve had every intention to do so, but procrastination gets the best of me.

Some of you have heard the news by now: my cancer has returned.  Last Thursday, I had my first round of chemotherapy. I will receive chemo once a week for three weeks, then have one week off for my body to rest. After three rounds of this regiment, I’ll have a CT scan to see if the treatment is effective.  The goal is to get back into remission. 

I won’t lie how disappointed we are, to say the least. And I won’t minimize the fear we are experiencing. I knew the chance of recurrence was high, but I just didn’t expect it this soon. I was looking forward to summer and doing the things I missed last year; working in my garden, catching up on some projects, summer trips and above all, to spend time with my grandkids. Hopefully, I can still do some of these activities.

Although this is a setback, I have been blessed abundantly.  I have my kids and grandkids that bring me more joy than can be imagined. My husband rarely leaves my side. No matter what the situation is, he makes me laugh, encourages me and gives me reason to keep going. We’ve been blessed with a comfortable home surrounded by the best neighbors anyone could ask for.  Our table is always set with plenty.  I am so very thankful to have access to Priesthood blessings. The comforter has given me peace of mind and heart. I know Heavenly Father is aware of my needs, my joys and sorrows, aches and pains and my desire to live a little longer.

I am going to continue to work as long as I can. I was sick for about four days after my chemotherapy last week. This isn’t exactly how I want to spend my weekends, but I don’t have a choice.

All my kids are close by and I’m already seeing the help and love they can give. Once again, I will give this fight everything I have to give. We appreciate your concern, thoughts and prayers.

I will try to write as often as my health will permit.