Confession:  another reason we randomly packed up and went to Disneyland is because the following week I started chemotherapy...again. Yes, I spoke too soon, my cancer has returned [sigh]. While I was feeling fairly good, Joe begged me to meet him in California and go to Disneyland. After returning from our trip, I'm so glad we went.

In December my CA125 was the lowest its ever been. I had a CT scan in January that revealed some concern. My doctor ordered another CA125 stating if it has risen since December he would recommend doing more chemotherapy. Just my luck, the  CA125 was on the rise. The CT scan revealed tumors on my spleen, pancreas, and my lower right lobe (diaphragm). I have already had a tumor removed from my right diaphragm, the tumors on my spleen and pancreas are new.

Joe and I are devastated to hear the cancer has returned. Our world has once again been turned upside down. You'd think we would be used to receiving news like this, but each recurrence takes just a little more from us. Fact is, recurrence is NOT good.  The cancer I have is a rare, aggressive, incurable and has a low survival rate. Besides fighting physically, I have to come to terms I'm not going to live to 92, I may not even live another year. And I think that sucks! The thought of leaving behind my husband, kids and grandkids and a life I love is more than I can bare. I can't imagine existence without my family.

I've study a lot about death. Having lost most of my family, a baby boy, and three close friends has certainly sparked an interest in the subject. Joseph Smith taught "it is a subject we ought to study more than any other.

"All men know that they must die. And it is important that we should understand the reasons and causes of our exposure to the vicissitudes of life and of death, and the designs and purposes of God in our coming into the world, our sufferings here, and our departure hence. What is the object of our coming into existence, then dying and falling away, to be here no more? It is but reasonable to suppose that God would reveal something in reference to the matter, and it is a subject we ought to study more than any other. We ought to study it day and night, for the world is ignorant in reference to their true condition and relation. If we have any claim on our Heavenly Father for anything, it is for knowledge on this important subject".    Joseph Smith

Throughout my life I've wondered how, why and when I would pass onto the other side. Haven't we all at one time or another? Today, the scary thing for me is that if this wretched disease continues on the course it has, I may know the how, the why and maybe even the when.

I had my first infusion two Fridays ago. I must say though, I tolerated the first treatment quite well. I was surprised how well I did. This weeks infusion was a different story. Side affects started out like they normally do, flu like symptoms, nausea, stomach cramps, weakness, fatigue, insomnia, feeling like I'm burning up inside of my body to the out side causing rosy checks, very rosy checks, sensitive to noise, nose bleeds, endless runny nose, constipation, restlessness in my entire body, excruciating headache, hot flashes, night sweats then freezing cold and something I've never experienced before, loss of appetite. And the most frustrating...chemo brain. Yes, chemo brain is real, very real. I'm unable to concentrate, focus and sometimes even remember things...ok, so not remembering things is normal for me. I thought the nausea and stomach cramps would never go away. I can hardly wait for this weeks infusion, I will have three drugs administered instead of just two. The only word I can think of to describe this drug is wicked, totally wicked.

My treatments will be once a week for three weeks, then one week off to let my body rest. At this point we're not sure how many cycles I will need, it all depends on how the cancer responds to the treatments.

Am I scared? Yes. I wake up at night in terror and I cry constantly. I am not brave or strong. I'm not a hero nor do I want the responsibility of being brave, strong or a hero. I have found myself in this situation with no other choice but to take one step at a time, one day at a time. It is my opinion that NO one should ever have to go through this. NO ONE!

B U T...I am blessed with a loving, devoted husband who makes sure everyday is the best it can be. My kids and grandkids are here with me brightening my day with just their mere presence. The best medicine I can receive comes from my family and friends - their visits, encouraging words and moments of laughter is all I need.

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While having lunch with my cousin, she mentioned she was leaving later that day for Disneyland with her daughter and her daughters three friends. With Joe already in LA for business, my cousin tried talking me into catching a flight the next morning to meet them in Disneyland. That's absurd! I can't get ready in just hours. Before I knew it Joe had a flight booked and we were packing. My daughter and two granddaughters went with me.

We spent three days in Disneyland and half a day at the beach. It was beautiful weather, but the water was cold.

 

 

 

 

 Disneyland really is a happy place on earth!

Hello everyone!

Time has passed so quickly. It's been almost a year since my last post. I've missed writing, but more important I've missed keeping up with everyone. I apologize to those of you I haven't written too. I hope to catch up soon.

My last chemo treatment was the first of October. Recovering from all the effects of chemo has been discouraging. My body is worn and tired. My emotions are worn and tired. The following statement was written by a former cancer patients. I totally relate...

"I think the hardest part of cancer treatment is at the end--when everyone assumes you're "cured" and you no longer need their nelp. You're in your weakest, most devastated state, plus you no longer have the mission you had when you began this journey: to kill the cancer. The cancer is toast, but so are you, and now, like a soldier at the end of war, you need help putting yourself back together, only everyone has gone home since they assume the war has been won."

This is so true. I am at my weakest, most devastated state. But everyday I gain a little more strength. The sad news is there is no cure for the type of cancer I have. My only hope is that the treatments I receive will work allowing me a little more time.  Soooo...about the time I start feeling good, with my luck the cancer will return and I'll start all over again. (Sigh)

But for now, let me introduce a special blessing our family has received. This is Charlotte Maci'Jo Boudreau.

June 2013

Doesn't she look like her mommy?

July 2013

Moments with Mommy just before her blessing.

Blessing day...besides our family, Rebecca invited those who have been  most influential in her life. I may be a little bias, but it was the most beautiful blessing I have ever attended. Joe gave the blessing, by the time he was done there wasn't a dry eye in the room. The Spirit there was amazing. Our hearts are full of gratitude for the blessing she is to our family. She has blessed our lives in ways we never would have imagined. It was a happy, happy, happy day!

 I had chemotherapy a couple days before her blessing day, I was grateful I felt well enough to enjoy the day. I am so grateful for those who came and supported Rebecca and our family. They all have extended their love to her and have been great examples in her life. She loves them all.

 

Joe can't get enough of sweet Charlotte.

 

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And she can't get enough of him. There is definitely a special bond between these two.

I felt well enough to travel with Joe on one of his business trips to New York and Vermont. We visited our church's history sites in Albany and Palmyra New York.

 Top left photo is Joseph Smith Jr.'s bedroom where angel Moroni appeared to him on several occasions giving him instructions and preparing him to receive the golden plates to be transferred into the Book of Mornon.  Top right: Joe walking through the Sacred Grove. Bottom right: Second Smith Family Home. Bottom middle: First Smith Family home. Bottom Left: Palmyra Temple.

Top left: The city of Albany, New York today. Top right: Martin Harris Home. Bottom left: monument on top of Hill Cumorah. Bottom middle: Printing office where the first Book of Mormon was published. Bottom right: Apple orchard near Smith Family Home.

Bottom right: View from Hill Cumorah

 I loved Vermont and New York! It was so green and beautiful. Joe goes there quite often, I hope I can go with him again.

I love learning about our church history. Ancestors on both sides of my family were early Saints. I was taught at an early age some of the more popular events that took place in our church's history. I love learning about our Savior and his gospel.

 

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write. I hope to do better and I truly hope to make contact with everyone and catch up. If I don't, please write to me! I always love to hear from you!!