Confession:  another reason we randomly packed up and went to Disneyland is because the following week I started chemotherapy...again. Yes, I spoke too soon, my cancer has returned [sigh]. While I was feeling fairly good, Joe begged me to meet him in California and go to Disneyland. After returning from our trip, I'm so glad we went.

In December my CA125 was the lowest its ever been. I had a CT scan in January that revealed some concern. My doctor ordered another CA125 stating if it has risen since December he would recommend doing more chemotherapy. Just my luck, the  CA125 was on the rise. The CT scan revealed tumors on my spleen, pancreas, and my lower right lobe (diaphragm). I have already had a tumor removed from my right diaphragm, the tumors on my spleen and pancreas are new.

Joe and I are devastated to hear the cancer has returned. Our world has once again been turned upside down. You'd think we would be used to receiving news like this, but each recurrence takes just a little more from us. Fact is, recurrence is NOT good.  The cancer I have is a rare, aggressive, incurable and has a low survival rate. Besides fighting physically, I have to come to terms I'm not going to live to 92, I may not even live another year. And I think that sucks! The thought of leaving behind my husband, kids and grandkids and a life I love is more than I can bare. I can't imagine existence without my family.

I've study a lot about death. Having lost most of my family, a baby boy, and three close friends has certainly sparked an interest in the subject. Joseph Smith taught "it is a subject we ought to study more than any other.

"All men know that they must die. And it is important that we should understand the reasons and causes of our exposure to the vicissitudes of life and of death, and the designs and purposes of God in our coming into the world, our sufferings here, and our departure hence. What is the object of our coming into existence, then dying and falling away, to be here no more? It is but reasonable to suppose that God would reveal something in reference to the matter, and it is a subject we ought to study more than any other. We ought to study it day and night, for the world is ignorant in reference to their true condition and relation. If we have any claim on our Heavenly Father for anything, it is for knowledge on this important subject".    Joseph Smith

Throughout my life I've wondered how, why and when I would pass onto the other side. Haven't we all at one time or another? Today, the scary thing for me is that if this wretched disease continues on the course it has, I may know the how, the why and maybe even the when.

I had my first infusion two Fridays ago. I must say though, I tolerated the first treatment quite well. I was surprised how well I did. This weeks infusion was a different story. Side affects started out like they normally do, flu like symptoms, nausea, stomach cramps, weakness, fatigue, insomnia, feeling like I'm burning up inside of my body to the out side causing rosy checks, very rosy checks, sensitive to noise, nose bleeds, endless runny nose, constipation, restlessness in my entire body, excruciating headache, hot flashes, night sweats then freezing cold and something I've never experienced before, loss of appetite. And the most frustrating...chemo brain. Yes, chemo brain is real, very real. I'm unable to concentrate, focus and sometimes even remember things...ok, so not remembering things is normal for me. I thought the nausea and stomach cramps would never go away. I can hardly wait for this weeks infusion, I will have three drugs administered instead of just two. The only word I can think of to describe this drug is wicked, totally wicked.

My treatments will be once a week for three weeks, then one week off to let my body rest. At this point we're not sure how many cycles I will need, it all depends on how the cancer responds to the treatments.

Am I scared? Yes. I wake up at night in terror and I cry constantly. I am not brave or strong. I'm not a hero nor do I want the responsibility of being brave, strong or a hero. I have found myself in this situation with no other choice but to take one step at a time, one day at a time. It is my opinion that NO one should ever have to go through this. NO ONE!

B U T...I am blessed with a loving, devoted husband who makes sure everyday is the best it can be. My kids and grandkids are here with me brightening my day with just their mere presence. The best medicine I can receive comes from my family and friends - their visits, encouraging words and moments of laughter is all I need.

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